The Baby Sitters Club Vs. Dirty Pop
by Dirty Pop
Summary: The BSC, once loved icons of our generation, now evil commies, are behind a plot to kidnap a highly fluential leader! Can i save the day? I hope so! Read to find out. And review while your at it, even if you hate it and want it to die. Final chap up!
1. Default Chapter

CHAPTER ONE  
Whether you like to admit it or not, you have read the Baby-Sitters Club books at least once in your life. Come on, now, don't deny it. No one is going to throw sour cream in your face if you just come clean about. They may point and laugh, but certainly if you had to read the books in the first place, you already have experienced that a great many times.  
Anyway, before you start off on your long spiel about how the Baby-Sitters Club saved your life from your wallowing misery of unpopular-ness and horrid ugliness, I just want you to know that I know the truth. Claudia, Stacey, Dawn, Abby, Mallory, Jessi, Mary-Anne, and Kristy aren't all as perfect as you thought they were. Yeah, that's right. They're COMMUNIST BASTARDS!  
My tale starts with the tragic end of my childhood fantasies. I had set the baby-sitters on an untouchable pedestal, far from the corruption of so many others. They were these ethereal beings who were always a constant in my life.  
That's of course until the day I joined the CIA.  
I thought my job as a intelligence infiltrator was pretty sweet. Not only did I get to spy on communist bastards, I came across some pretty useful knowledge such as the highly secret recipe to KFC's popcorn chicken. My dreams had been fulfilled (lifetime supply of free popcorn chicken! Hell yes!)  
But my pleasure would soon dwindle to mind-numbing agony.  
On a bright, rainy morning, with the sun up and fog scattered across the mountains, I was called into the director's office, who was simply known among his staff as Kay, for the sake of homeland security. The last thing we needed in our war against communism was for that damn Osama Bin Laden to find our hidden location.  
"Salutations, sir!" I greeted the aging man. He looked up from his periodical that depicted a scandalously clad woman sensually rubbing herself. He threw the magazine behind his back and I complied by acting as though I had never seen a thing. As secret agents, we were trained to do so.  
"Hello, Agent," Kay returned. "You're handling of the OJ Simpson case went fairly well. I thought for a minute someone was actually on to him."  
"Don't worry, sir. Everyone still doesn't know that Nicole Kidman is a sex robot from Tawiann, produced by child labor. I've made sure also that Mariah Carey was discreetly disposed of at a fat camp. That way, no one will ever know she did the voice over in Moulin Rouge. Lord knows the chaos that would create if the world were to know that bit of information!"  
Kay nodded his head gravely. "I'm afraid that your next assignment will be much more dangerous." He paused hesitantly, with holding information from me. I leaned on the edge of my seat, eager for him to finish. "I also know this will demand a lot of you, emotionally."  
"With all due respect sir, but I am not stripping for a grand again."  
"No, of course not!" he said, holding up his hands. "Remember, that didn't happen. Anyway, we have received reports from central intelligence that implicate some people you hold dear in a world-wide conspiracy to kidnap a highly fluential leader." He paused for dramatic effect. My heart pounded against my chest cavity, fear pumping through my veins. Who was it? Who was I to bring down?   
"The Baby-Sitters Club." 


	2. Chapter Two

CHAPTER TWO  
Sitting in my apartment hours later, the horror of the situation before me had not yet wore off, not even after six debilitating slices of watermelon. Why was this happening to me of all people? Why had Dirty Pop been selected for this mission?  
After being revived from a nasty black-out in Kay's office, I still hadn't been told who this highly fluential leader was. It didn't matter. I was to bring down those communist bastards, to protect someone I didn't even know.  
It was the hardest thing I ever had to do, but I had no choice but to serve my country.  
The Baby-Sitters Club was not all that hard to track down. I mean, they were world renowned celebrities thanks to Ann M. Martin! Within hours of receiving my harrowing assignment, I had pinpointed their location precisely to Nipigon, Ontario, Canada. Where else would you find communist bastards but in a place so twisted they put their milk in plastic bags rather than jugs? I shook my head in utter amazement at the sickness of people.  
I staked myself in my well accommodated hotel room window, perched across from the room across the road that the eight scheming baby-sitters shared. For the past two days, they had stayed in their rooms, playing Truth or Dare, eating popcorn (not chicken, sadly), and painting one another's nails. Nothing completely out of the ordinary. My eyes ached from lack of sleep and I wasn't a pleasant sight for sore eyes. Crusty remnants of hot pockets and popcorn chicken and watermelon mingled together on the front of my shirt, forming a coagulation of the foulest smelling thing ever created on God's green earth. Stubble dotted my shapely legs. I sighed, ready to give up my post. They hadn't left for the past 48 hours. Surely, I had an hour to spare to clean up and take another bottle of Flintstone vitamins to strengthen my dissolving will.  
Just as I was finishing up, movement caught my peripheal vision. The Baby-Sitters were trying to make a quick escape down the fire escape of their apartment! I ripped off my flesh, revealing a tight, black catsuit (if the girls in Charlie's angels can do it, so can I).   
I opened up the balcony window, looking down at the ground. How unfortunate it had been that the Baby-Sitters Club's apartment was on the eleven-ty seventh floor! I closed my eyes, wondering what my role model, SpongeBob SquarePants would do during such a time.  
Of course! I exclaimed inside of my brain, surprised I hadn't thought of it earlier. SpongeBob would just jump and let his absorbent, porous body take the impact of the fall. Velocity squared and what nonsense told me that this approach would let me beat the evil communist to their destination.   
Switching my catsuit attire for a spongy one, I leapt from the window with amazing grace. Wind whistled past my face as I fell down with increasing speed. If only Kay could see me now!  
My plan worked accordingly, and I landed without too much of an injury. The Baby-Sitters Club had reached the end of their line, stopping that moment at the end of the stairs, staring at me like a mongoose caught in the strobe lights of a Backstreet Boy's concert.  
I jumped up, stripping the sponge from my body and grabbing my handy-dandy notebook. "Don't make me use this!" I threatened, staring at them through slitted eyes and coaxing menace into my voice.  
The girls glanced at each other and immediately burst out laughing. The ring-leader, petite little Kristy, crossed her arms on her chest in defiance. "What do you plan on doing with that thing?" she taunted. "Play a game of Blues Clues?"  
Anger boiled inside of me. I hadn't wanted to do this, not to them, my childhood heroes. But the mission must be my only worry.  
I flung open the book, using my handy dandy green crayon to quickly draw a light saber. Murmuring the magic words, the light saber sprung to life in a hazy, celestial cloud. The girls stepped back, watching the amazing event taking place before them with wide eyes.  
The light saber landed in my hands, it's red glower reflecting off the baby-sitter's frightening- I mean frightened- faces. "I warned you," I told them. "Now, don't make me go any further, because I will. You are evil communist bastards."  
Mary-Anne began to cry. "How can you be so insensitive?" she demanded through wails of hurt.   
Dawn glared at me, putting a comforting arm around her sobbing shoulders. "You know, name calling is absolutely unnecessary."  
"Yeah, you jerk!" Mallory cried in agreement.  
"Oh, Mal, that was so distant," Jessi said in astonishment.  
"SHUT UP!" I shouted, waving the light saber for their attention. They immediately quieted down. Kristy watched me with cold, calculating eyes. I waited, knowing this was like a game of Twister. My next move depended on the color the spinner landed on.  
"Dirty Pop, you don't need to do this," Kristy murmured quietly.  
I lowered my light saber slowly, a strange emotion like lukewarm dishwater sweeping over me. "You know my name?" I asked.  
Kristy stepped closer. Her face was deeply etched in caring concern. I know longer viewed her as a communist bastard, but as a friend. "Of course, I know. I know about everyone who reads the series. It doesn't have to come to this, Dirty Pop. It really doesn't. You don't want to destroy us any more than we want to kill you." She paused. She was standing so close I could touch her with a ten foot pole. She held out a hand. "Join me, Dirty Pop. You can be a part of the Baby-Sitters Club too." 


	3. Chapter Three

Chapter Three  
What am I doing?, I asked myself as I followed the eight devious baby-sitters into the void filled night. They had not told me where we were going, only that we were seeing the mystical fluential leader they held captive.   
My soul felt dirty, like a used down and out Los Angeles prostitute. I had virtually sold everything I believed in- tacos, watermelons, popcorn chicken, and ROCK!, just to be a part of something bigger than myself. I had done the exact same thing I hated the most. I sold out.  
I had done wrong naming myself after a bubbly boy band song. I thought in naming myself after the enemy, that I would understand them and hold leverage over them. However, the persona Dirty Pop carried along with it had crept into my being. Corporate.  
We were at the end of the darkened alley. Kristy stepped forward, her frizzy, brown hair radiating moonlight in waves of skankiness. I turned my eyes away from it.  
I deserted myself for a skank!  
We all somberly walked into a dimly lit room. In the center of the empty, round chamber stood a single chair, with a shadowy form seated on it. Kristy immediately burst out laughing, that chilling guffaw like a donkey that sent chills down my spine. My reflexes burst into motion but not fast enough for the smart hand of Abby Stevenson coming crashing down on the side of my forehead.  
I immediately swooned into darkness.  
  
When I woke, memory immediately came flooding into my ever alert mind. I took in my surroundings. I was still inside of the dank, poorly lit room. I was seated in a chair behind the other captive, the fluential leader, my arms tied to his.  
Kristy was still laughing like a donkey, obviously impressed with herself.   
"You actually believed us!" she said incredulously.  
"You are the biggest dumbass!" Miss Sophisticated Stacy exclaimed in glee.  
"Now you are our prisoner," Claudia said eerily. "Just like you're little friend behind you that you tried to save and failed, failed miserably."  
I grinned politely in reply, trying to stall in time while I did two different things, one being thinking of a good come back, and two searching my pockets for my handy dandy notebook.  
Kristy walked forward, dangling the colorful, handheld notebook in front of my face. "Looking for this?" she asked dauntingly.  
"You can't win!" I shouted frantically, reaching the end of my desperate ropes. "You're communist bastards!"  
"It's of no use," a discouraged voice disclosed from behind me. "They already have won. We might as well give up."  
The voice reminded me of someone I knew, a long, long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. Kristy sensed the recognition dawning on my face.  
"Dirty Pop, it's time you knew who, exactly, this fluential leader you were suppose to rescue identity." She nodded towards Jessi and Mallory, who had been seated happily the whole while in the corner working everlastingly on their fricken gum wrapper chain. "Untie them both."  
I didn't struggle against Jessi as she undid my restraints. Curiosity overwhelmed my senses.   
I turned around at the same moment the now freed fluential leader turned. I gasped, in a point halfway between horror and ecstasy.  
"Luke Skywalker!" I breathed in fascination. 


	4. Chapter Four

CHAPTER FOUR  
  
"Why?" i asked the leering faces of the Baby-Sitters Club gathered collecitvely around me. "Why Luke Skywalker?"  
"Because I was on to these communist bastards," Luke Skywalker answered, holding his slack jaw up in defiance. "I tried to stop them from stealing Taco Bell!"  
I gasped. "Taco Bell! You bastards!"  
"Taco Bell is a billion times twice industry, the first of its kind. What an ingenius idea, creating a Mexican fast food chain! Once we rule every Taco Bell in the world, we will be the richest commies in the world!" They all laughed like donkies.  
Anger boiled in my blood. I could not let Taco Bell fall to the BSC.  
I knocked Kristy down, retrieving my Handy Dandy notebook. At the same time, Luke Skywalker used the Force to find his lightsaber. My fingers flew curiously across the paper and I murmured the magic words at the exact same time.  
Luke Skywalker was across the room, fighting valiantly against six of the members. Three of them were allready on the ground. I looked around, clutching my weapon in my hand looking for the last member, the ring-leader. I was looking for Kristy.  
"Are you looking for me?" a deep throated voice shouted. I turned around to see Kristy, her skin shuddering and moving across her bones, transform into a donkey! Fear gripped me, but I held on to my weapon, knowing what I must do for the sake of my children and their children. What kind of world would it be for them if the BSC ruled Taco Bell?  
I kissed my Skip-it on the digital counter display for good luck. Then I carefully placed it on my right foot.  
"How do you plan on defeating me with a Skip-It?" demanded Kristy the Donkey, edging closer to me. "If you can use that stupid handy dandy notebook, why don't you draw something useful like a nuclear weapon?"  
I grinned evilly. She had no idea.  
I began to skip with the skip-it, waiting for Kristy to come closer. When she was close enough, I kicked up, letting the skip-it whap her straight in the head. I continued to spin mid-air, so it would hit her repeatedly on her stupid donkey head.  
She retalitated with a brutal kick from her hind quarters. I went sprawling against the floor, but not for long. I gathered up my strength and went to start a second offense.  
"Dirty Pop, use the Force!" Luke Skywalker shouted from across the room. "You're skip-it is useless compared to the power of the Force!"  
Around him, the remaining members of the BSC in various shades of unconciousness. I nodded, throwing the trusty skip-it aside and breathing deeply, letting the Force become part of me.  
"Oh shit!" Kristy cried in dismay. "Code blue! Code blue! I repeat, code blue!"  
Code Blue?, I thought inside of my head curiously.  
The whole building shook, filling with a misty fog. I was knocked off my foundations.  
"Dirty Pop!" Luke Skywalker called out. When the fog cleared, I saw him similarily laying on the floor.   
The BSC had disappeared. 


	5. Chapter Five

EPILOGUE  
  
Kay, Luke Skywalker, and I were gathered in Kay's office, enjoying delicious chalupas, Kay's treat.  
"You two did well," Kay congratulated us. "Taco Bell is safe from those evil communist bastards, the Baby Sitters Club. This is the happiest day for human kind."  
A dark cloud rained on my parade however. "But they got away," I said quietly. "Now they are free to continue creating disasters."  
"Dirty Pop, you did your best," Luke Skywalker replied, placing his real hand upon mine. "That's all we could ask for."  
I offered him a twittering smile.  
Luke Skywalker was right. Next time, the Baby-Sitters Club would not escape through my fingers. I would catch Kristy and her communist bastards, and I would make them pay for everything they had done to me and the people I loved.  
"Group lap dance!" Kay cried out happily.  
I rolled my eyes at Luke Skywalker, but joined the crazed frecus anyway. 


End file.
